Nobody said it was easy

Time really does fly. I can’t believe it has been 4 years already since I has first created this blog. But looking back, has anything changed? Maybe many things happened, maybe I’ve moved to another country, maybe I’m going to med school next fall but I can still see the naive & insecure girl I was back then. There are still so many days like today when I feel so empty I can’t get anything done, I just lay helplessly on my bed & let my mind drifts.

Sometimes I think that I will never be able to smile again nor feel anything remotely deep for someone. How can I when I’ve been building all these thick walls around my heart so I won’t end up disappointed like last time. But then I can’t feel anything at all… Everything is just too complicated, I don’t know what to do anymore.

I guess that I’m still that terrified kid. No matter what I did, no one stopped him & no one believed me. Now 8 years later I’m still keeping that horrible secret all to myself. How can I forget the past when it still defines me. I’ve never enjoyed getting physical with people, I’m becoming a shell & experience everything outside my body.

Worse of all, people expects me to meet him again. I don’t know if I can handle it, my sanity sure won’t. Maybe this time it will break me completely. Since no one is here for me, I have to be my own saviour. Knowing that he’s living on another continent gives me some kind of peace. I need to make sure that he never gets to hurt me again. I never know how people can carry on with their life afterwards.

Years later the only relief I feel is when I slit my wrist. I’m not proud of what I did but hey I was 10 it happened, I wasn’t small enough for it to appear like a nightmare but I sure wasn’t old enough neither to protect myself. Eventually the hurt just get bottled up & there wasn’t anything else I could do.

I’m scared that once people know they will see me differently or that no one would get close enough to know the real me, scarred and broken.  Maybe that’s why I can’t get over you because I thought you would be the one to put my pain to rest & help me make it through the day. But you were so judgmental, you thought that I’m depressed for nothing and that I’m weak. I can’t imagine the way you would react if you knew the heavy stuff.

Maybe I’m just really tired & stressed with the finals coming and everything. I’ve always managed to pretend like I’m okay after all. This winter has been dragging on for forever, I just hope that with the sun coming back I will feel normal again. I really want to get better.

Torn pages

 

I don’t want to suffer because of you anymore. You walked out on me years ago, I should have move on by now. Still I’m insane enough to let the past affect me, crazy enough to hope that you would remember this day 4 years ago. I feel so pathetic clinging on someone who doesn’t even acknowledge my existence yet I find myself thinking about you. I should carry on with my life like nothing happened but I can’t.

I wish today could be the last day to all this sadness and bitterness.

4 years of loving you, I’m putting an end to it.

No more tears nor heartaches.

Farewell.

Endless waiting

How long has it been already? When will I finally get better? The ache doesn’t lessen with years, it still feel like as if it was only yesterday when you said that you don’t love me anymore. It’s strange, I couldn’t feel it when you said you love me but your last words sliced my heart wide open. How unfair it is when I still feel utterly bitter while you carry on with your life like nothing happened… How can I move on & try to love someone else when I’m scared to the core that I would be broken again? I still miss you dearly. It’s the same internal battle every single day. I have to fight the urge to seek your answers. I don’t want to be that pathetic girl & to be thrown away by you; but how do I tell my heart to stop loving you?

I feel so depressed again, I don’t know what is happening with me!? Sometimes I feel like those feelings are slowly fading away but once in a while it brings me down, spriraling in this void of pain. I just want to forget everything so I would never have to suffer because of you again. I hate feeling this way. Screaming your name into the endless night but you can’t hear me. I’m so far away from you. The saddest part is that even if I wanted to be by your side right now, to be held in your arms for the last time, I just can’t. It will destroy me completely. I can’t accept the fact that there would never really be closure between us. I don’t like leaving things unfinished.

So please come back so we could put an end to all this unnecessary agony & lay the past to rest. It’s making me unbearably exhausted & it’s just getting harder everyday. Even if I know you never come here anymore but I need to give vent to all those bottled up feelings otherwise I will definitely go insane.

I hope that it’s the result from all the stress with exams at school & figuring out for university next year. Maybe with the coming winter break I will somehow feel better.

Foolish…

When time doesn’t heal all wounds… When the pain still lingers persistently…

There is this deep heartache throbbing inside me for many years already but it doesn’t seem to lessen. It keeps seizing me unexpectedly and leave my mind drenched with what could have been and the memories that I thought are long gone. The past won’t let me go. What could I do to soothe this agony? Am I forever condamned in this restless void far away from the realm of peacefulness? I’m still secretly calling your name into the night and wishing an answer.

I’m not waiting for the one that left to come back. I just want some explanation, an acknowledgment of the truth or maybe sincere apologies even if I know that it won’t take my pain away… I just hope to get better someday.

Why can I not forget you?

How long does it take to forget someone you’ve loved? To erase all those memories from your mind? To stop waiting for someone who is not coming back?  It has been almost 3 years now but I still can’t get over you. How different things would turn out if I wasn’t so stubborn back then? Maybe it wasn’t meant to last forever, but somehow I still wish that it could end in a less painful way, at least from my part.

What’s the point of dwelling in the past anyway? You love someone else now & I live in another continent. Then why do I still feel like the one who is left behind, thrown away? I guess that you and I would always be unfinished business.

I will forget you.

He made me think that it would be okay if I fell for him; made me think that he would catch me. But when he knew I was falling, he  backed up and let me hit the ground once again.

The End.

 

 

 

Because of you…

I’ve been hurt for all those months, I’ve shed countless tears — But because of you, I’ve learned to move on.

One more month & I will be gone.

Maybe it’s time to move on

Why is it that when I’m finally getting over you, you give me a reason not to? There is really no use in doing small talk after 2 years of ignorance. I’m truly grateful for your words but there must come an end to all. I can’t no longer bear the hurt. You broke my heart, stepped on my soul. There is no way for us to be friends after that, because friendship implies trust and care. So please, stay away from me.

Every now and then I fall apart

It’s not as if I just started to see his flaws now; but they begin to be overwhelming. I have always felt like I only exist when you need something from me. How can a person possibly be that selfish and narcissistic? How could you complain to me about every freaking little things that aren’t happening like you wanted them to? My dad is in the hospital. Did I tell you about that? You never meant it when you asked me if I’m okay. Actually you don’t even give a damn about my answer; it’s just an opportunity for you to talk about your minor “problems”. There was a time when I didn’t mind. I thought you did so to keep the conversation going. But then I begin to acknowledge that judgmental and self-centred side of you.

—I don’t think that I can stand you anymore.